If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
