I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
