he was CRYING into my vagina
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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