Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
