Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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