my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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