the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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