Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
