matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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