She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
