I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
