Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
