seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
