I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
