i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
