Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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