She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
