I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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