I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
