I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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