as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
