Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
