I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The air was thick with penises
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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