I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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