my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
