Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
