Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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