So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
