I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
