I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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