Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
