Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
