So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
