i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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