I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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