it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
