He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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