just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
