you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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