I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
