The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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