you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm both gender and math confused
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
