hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
