I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
