no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
