What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
