What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My ass is underappreciated
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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