respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize