I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
