Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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