Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
