he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
