I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
