Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
