Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
