If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
