dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
