pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
