He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
