next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
