The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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